Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
