I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
