i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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