I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
