I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
