I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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