No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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