Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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