you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
