Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
