smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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