The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
