Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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