She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
