Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
