I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
