So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
