About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
