This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
