I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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