JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
ok first of all what the fuck
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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