I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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