I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Shame - the story of my life.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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