can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
