I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
