Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
you didnt know i had herpes?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
