every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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