6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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