she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
