I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
