I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just invented taco cereal.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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