You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
