I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
