You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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