I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
