just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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