somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I want a musical about memes.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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