I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You made out with two different species that night
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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