I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
