i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Randomize
