I'm so fucking centered right now
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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