I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
