I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
