I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
