God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
