Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
