It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
