I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
