There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
