Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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