you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
