dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
porn star boner night. come get it.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
