I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
