chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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