I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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