you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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