I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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