im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
